BBC — A Cumbrian couple’s wedding plans are all at sea after the prospective bride dumped her fiance’s work van, and all his clothes, into a harbour.

Following a pub row, Emma Thomason, 24, of Whitehaven, loaded her boyfriend’s van with his belongings, then rolled it off a ramp at the town’s marina.

The argument started when Jason Wilson, 24, wanted to stay out with friends and Miss Thomason wanted to go home.

[…]

The 24-year-old plasterer told reporters: “People had seen the van bobbing around in the water. They called the police, who contacted my boss.

“He was furious, but has been very good about it. I’m very grateful. Emma isn’t sorry one little bit. She insists that I am the one in the wrong and that it is all my fault.

“She put every single last item of clothing I had in the back of the van. All I was left with were the clothes I was wearing.

“I haven’t told her yet that the wedding is off, but I think she can put two and two together.”

[…]

Miss Thomason is now on police bail after being arrested on suspicion of aggravated vehicle taking without consent.

cates: white vans, most of which are driven very badly by aggressive hooligans, are the scourge of britain’s streets. let’s hope these amphibious antics catch on.

BBC — Bubba Ludwig may only be 10 months old, but he has already successfully obtained a gun licence in the US state of Illinois.

Bubba’s father, Howard Ludwig, applied on his behalf after his grandfather gave him a shotgun as an heirloom.

Mr Ludwig said he had not expected to succeed, but he filled in the online form, paid $5 and the licence was his.

[…]

Mr Ludwig said Bubba’s gun would likely remain at his grandfather’s house until he was 14.

“I’m not about to approve any unsupervised hunting or trap shooting for Bubba,” he wrote in the Chicago daily.

“Still, I’m glad he was able to get his FOID card. It makes an adorable addition to his baby book.”

jay: bubba ludwig is the best. baby. name. ever. bubba ludwig has a gun. and a posse. and if i ever form an emo-core band it’s going to be called bubbaludwig.

cates: you need a permit for a gunt nowadays? when a third of the population is considered obese, that’s a lot of paperwork. oh. it said “gun”. my mistake.

Lake Luzerne, N.Y. (AP) — A young man shot himself without using a gun.

Damion M. Mosher, who put bullets in a vise and whacked them with a hammer to empty the brass shell casings, was hit in the abdomen by one of the shots, authorities said.

Warren County deputies said they were called to Mosher’s home in Lake Luzerne on Saturday afternoon after one bullet went about a half-inch into his abdomen. He was treated at Glens Falls Hospital and was released. No charges were filed.

Mosher, 18, told authorities he was trying to empty the .223-caliber rounds to collect the brass casings for scrap.

Sheriff Larry Cleveland said about 100 other rounds that Mosher hit had “fizzled,” but one was somehow sent with more force. It was unclear if the bullet ricocheted or hit him directly.

An employee of an Albany scrap metal company told The Post-Star of Glens Falls that the business pays $1.70 a pound for scrap brass shell casings.

Cleveland said Mosher’s shells amounted to just a few pounds.

jay: and then sometimes it don’t feel good to be a gangsta.

AP - LYNCHBURG, Va. - The Rev. Jerry Falwell, the television evangelist who founded the Moral Majority and used it to mold the religious right into a political force, died Tuesday shortly after being found unconscious in his office at Liberty University, a school executive said. He was 73.

Ron Godwin, the university’s executive vice president, said Falwell, 73, was found unresponsive around 10:45 a.m. and taken to Lynchburg General Hospital. “CPR efforts were unsuccessful,” he said.

Godwin said he was not sure what caused the collapse, but he said Falwell “has a history of heart challenges.”

jay: heart challenges? like sympathy or like blockages?

Falwell had survived two serious health scares in early 2005. He was hospitalized for two weeks with what was described as a viral infection, then was hospitalized again a few weeks later after going into respiratory arrest. Later that year, doctors found a 70 percent blockage in an artery, which they opened with stents.

[…]

Days after Sept. 11, 2001, Falwell essentially blamed feminists, gays, lesbians and liberal groups for bringing on the terrorist attacks. He later apologized.

In 1999, he told an evangelical conference that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was probably already alive. Falwell later apologized for the remark but not for holding the belief. A month later, his National Liberty Journal warned parents that Tinky Winky, a purple, purse-toting character on television’s “Teletubbies” show, was a gay role model and morally damaging to children.

jay: oh, so both sympathy and blockages. gotcha. i had forgotten about the teletubbies thing. and i had no idea that the antichrist was already alive and had taken the form of a male jew. what i find really sad is that it took jerry falwell’s death for me to learn that he sounded a lot like borat.

rob: it’s always sad when a teletubby dies. (i’m just relieved that it was the evil racist one that died instead of the gay one.)

AP - MURFREESBORO, Tenn. - Two school employees who staged a fake gun attack on a group of students during a field trip have been suspended, school officials said Monday.

During the last night of a weeklong trip to a state park, staff members convinced 69 sixth-grade students from Scales Elementary School that there was a gunman on the loose.

The students were told to lie on the floor or hide underneath tables and stay quiet. After the lights went out, some of the children began to cry. A teacher, disguised in a hooded sweat shirt, pulled on locked doors.

Teacher Quentin Masters and assistant principal Don Bartch were suspended for unprofessional conduct and neglect of duty because of the staged attack, schools director Marilyn Mathis said Monday.

jay: finally, professional educators who aren’t afraid to prepare their students for the rigors of junior high. right on, fellas. hope you enjoy those long summer vacations.

Extremist taunts his victims from prison
AP - BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - Victims of Eric Rudolph, the anti-abortion extremist who pulled off a series of bombings across the South, say he is taunting them from deep within the nation’s most secure federal prison, and authorities say there is little they can do to stop him.

vs.

Two men plead guilty in Utah arson fires laid to ecoterrorist groups
AP - Two men pleaded guilty Friday to setting separate fires, at a lumber yard and a university farm building, on behalf of ecoterrorist groups. Justus A. Ireland, 23, admitted to starting a June fire at a lumber yard in West Jordan. He said he placed lighted flares under a pallet loaded with cardboard and wood and on the seat of a delivery truck. Damage was estimated at $1.5 million.

jay: i’m not the first person to point out the contradictory usage of terrorist and extremist, buy today’s perusal through the news reminded me how unhappy it makes me. eric rudolph is an extremist (eric rudolph killed three people); two people who set fire to a lumberyard are terrorists (no one was killed). eric rudolph only targeted people who deserved it (gays, women seeking abortions, people visiting the olympic games). ‘ecoterrorists’ target people like you and me, who are just trying to live their lives. they could attack you next! in your suv! at the mall! on halloween! don’t go!

AP — TURNERS FALLS, Mass. — This nasty rescue is no fish tale.

Rescuers cut through a filtration tank of dense fish feces to reach four workers who fell into the sludgy dung Friday while cleaning the 18-foot tank at a western Massachusetts farm.

The workers became trapped for 45 minutes after a bracket holding a plastic filtration pad collapsed as workers stood on it to clean the fiberglass tank at the Australis Aquaculture fish farm, said Turners Falls Fire Capt. David Dion and the fish farm’s manager, Josh Goldman.

One of the farmhands was submerged in what Dion described as a sand-and-feces mix, while the other three had their heads above the sludge, he said.

Dion said rescue workers cut a hole in the side of the tank at the farm, which raises barramundi, a fish farmed as a replacement for grouper.

“It was very slimy and it was heavy,” he said. “Never seen anything like it in my life.”

jay: i hope this never happens to me.

AP — NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla. — Authorities were led on a high speed vehicle chase by an armless, one-legged man, and they said this wasn’t the first time the 40-year-old eluded police.

Michael Francis Wiley taught himself to drive after losing both arms and a leg in an electrical accident when he was 13. He spent time in prison for kicking a Florida Highway Patrol trooper after an accident in 1996. He led police on a 120 mph chase in 1998.

On Tuesday, Wiley sped off in a Ford Explorer when police approached him at a convenience store, New Port Richey police Capt. Darryl Garman said. Officers pursued, but called off the chase after eight minutes because they did not want to put others in danger, Garman said.

Wiley was arrested the next day on charges of fleeing from police and habitually driving without a license. He also is awaiting trial on separate drug charges and traffic violations. He faces up to five years in prison if convicted.

jay: i posted this just in case you were looking to share a folk hero with me.

TACOMA, Wash. (AP) - Police in Tacoma are investigating the discovery of a dead fawn that was found dressed like an infant and was left abandoned at the Pantages Theater.

Police spokesman Mark Fulghum said an officer made the bizarre discovery shortly after 9 p.m. on Tuesday.

Tom Sayre with The Humane Society for Tacoma and Pierce County said the newborn deer was placed in a basket and was wearing an infant sleeper and a bib that read “You think I’m cute? You should see my aunt.”

It is not clear how the animal died. Sayre said a Humane Society veterinarian thinks it might have been stillborn.

jay: huh? your aunt? basket? help. i don’t understand.

dan: but hey, at least she died at the theater, which is her one true love.

RAMALLAH, West Bank (AP) — Hamas militants have suspended a TV program that featured a Mickey Mouse lookalike urging Palestinian children to fight Israel and work for global Islamic domination, the Palestinian information minister said Wednesday.

Information Minister Mustafa Barghouti said the character — a giant black-and-white rodent with a high-pitched voice — represented a “mistaken approach” to the Palestinian struggle against Israeli occupation.

He said that the program was pulled from Hamas-affiliated Al Aqsa TV at his ministry’s request and “placed under review.”

jay: behold the power of disney.

By RYAN J. FOLEY

AP - MADISON, Wis. - A man who changed his name to Andy Griffith and ran for sheriff did not harm the actor who played Mayberry’s folksy sheriff on the “Andy Griffith Show,” a federal judge ruled.

U.S. District Judge John Shabaz on Friday dismissed the lawsuit brought by Andy Samuel Griffith, who played Sheriff Andy Taylor on the popular 1960s TV series.

The suit claimed William Harold Fenrick violated trademark and copyright laws and the actor’s privacy after he changed his name last year to Andrew Jackson Griffith. The suit was filed the day after the independent candidate came in a distant third in his race for Grant County sheriff in southwestern Wisconsin.

During the campaign, Griffith played up his name by comparing himself to the television character who dispensed heartfelt wisdom. Denouncing law enforcement practices such as speed traps, he declared: “They never did unethical stuff like that in Mayberry!”

jay: i’m sorry, what? this guy ran as the most lovable sheriff in american (television) history and still came in a distant third? something seems awry. a-ha! upon further review, he’s a stoner record store owner. my guess is that no one voted for him because he dissed their favorite band to their faces and this is their retribution. i’m cool with it. no harm no foul.

By DIAA HADID, Associated Press Writer

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip - Hamas militants have enlisted the iconic Mickey Mouse to broadcast their message of Islamic dominion and armed resistance to their most impressionable audience — little kids.

A giant black-and-white rodent — named “Farfour,” or “butterfly,” but unmistakably a Mickey ripoff — does his high-pitched preaching against the U.S. and Israel on a children’s show run each Friday on Al-Aqsa TV, a station run by Hamas. The militant group, sworn to Israel’s destruction, shares power in the Palestinian government.

“You and I are laying the foundation for a world led by Islamists,” Farfour squeaked on a recent episode of the show, which is titled, “Tomorrow’s Pioneers.”

“We will return the Islamic community to its former greatness, and liberate Jerusalem, God willing, liberate Iraq, God willing, and liberate all the countries of the Muslims invaded by the murderers.”

[…]

A spokeswoman from Walt Disney Co.’s headquarters in Burbank, Calif., did not immediately return messages asking for comment about the use of a Disney-like character.

jay: hamas just made their fatal mistake: they made themselves known to the most frightening bunch of motherlovers on this side of the gaza strip: the disney copyright enforcement division. sux to be hamas right about now. peep the video.

via edrants.com (HC)

A Syrian-born airline pilot allegedly tricked a schoolteacher from Haverfordwest into having sex with him by pretending he had to administer ointment on the end of his penis, a jury heard.

Fadi Sbano, 38, even pretended to know a gynaecologist who advised him on how often to have intercourse with her and whether to thrust “slowly or quickly”. And on the “doctor’s advice”, he kept a clock on the bedside table to time the sessions.

The teacher put up with the treatment for nine months before telling her doctor.

jay: pardon? nine months?

Huw Rees, prosecuting, told Swansea crown court: “The allegations here are of rape by deception.” Mr. Rees said the pair met while Sbano was based at Gatwick and the teacher was working nearby. In November, 2000, she discovered a rash of white spots and feared that typhoid, which she contracted on holiday some years before, had returned.

Sbano claimed he was in talks with a gynaecologist who was anxious for a certain cream to be applied, the prosecutor said. “He (Sbano) suggested he would apply the cream to his penis and apply it inside her.

Mr Rees said the woman found the sessions “Clinical, not at all erotic”. She consented only because she believed it was a proper treatment.

jay: dis!

“When the insertions took place, and depending on the instructions of his friend, he would thrust slowly or quickly for anything from one to ten minutes,”

jay: double-dis!

Her doctor told her to find out the identity of Sbano’s gynaecologist friend but he “became evasive and never gave his name” beyond the word “Ibby”.

“It began to dawn on her that he had devised this treatment in order to have sex with her on his terms.”

jay: again: nine months? did she finally decide to consult WebMD or something?

[Sbano] claimed the woman had invented the entire story about the “treatment”. Sbano, from Harrow, London, denies nine charges of rape and 11 or obtaining money by deception. The trial continues.

jay: as an aside, how does one even go about offering this “treatment” while keeping a straight face? and doesn’t england have like, free health care? why are we consulting airline pilots for medical advice/application?

GULFPORT, Miss. (AP) — Three-time boxing champion Hector “Macho” Camacho was sent to jail Monday after pleading guilty to a 2004 burglary charge.

Camacho faces up to seven years in prison and a fine of up to $10,000. Circuit Judge Steve Simpson delayed sentencing, but ordered him sent straight to jail because a bail bond agent said he hadn’t heard from Camacho for more than two years, the Sun Herald reported on its Web site.

A warrant was issued for Camacho on Dec. 22, 2004, for a November burglary of a computer store. He was arrested in January 2005 on the burglary charge, and was also was charged with drug possession after police allegedly found ecstasy in his hotel room at the Imperial Palace. Trial on the drug charge is tentatively set for June.

Camacho had bought a laptop from the business but had left it there for work on technical problems. He was trying to retrieve his computer, his attorney, David Morrison, said. The break-in was “a momentary lapse in judgment,” he added.

Wayne Woodall, the Wheelers’ attorney, claims Camacho fell through the ceiling, cut himself, urinated inside the office and left with seven laptops and about $5,600 in checks and cash.

jay: ‘a momentary lapse in judgment,’ to me, means maybe breaking into the store and taking only your own laptop but definitely not taking a piss in the office. but who am i to judge lapses?

AP - ALBANY, Ore. - These guys weren’t exactly Snap, Crackle and Pop. What began as a faint popping in a 9-year-old boy’s ear — “like Rice Krispies” — ended up as an earache, and the doctor’s diagnosis was that a pair of spiders made a home in the ear.

“They were walking on my eardrums,” Jesse Courtney said.

Dr. David Irvine said it looked like the boy had something in his ear when he examined him.

When he irrigated the ear, the first spider came out, dead. The other spider took a second dousing before it emerged, still alive. Both were about the size of a pencil eraser.

Jesse was given the spiders — now both dead — as a souvenir. He has taken them to school and his mother has taken them to work.

“It was real interesting, ’cause, two spiders in my ear — what next?” Jesse said.

jay: bite your tongue, kid. you live in the middle of nowhere oregon, your grammar isn’t so good, and you’re nine and already have a history of critters in body cavities. this, to me, sounds like a recipe for something next that you don’t want.