AP - NEW YORK - With his roommate still unconscious from a car crash, Anthony Giordano told officers he was the injured man’s brother and took his wallet before embarking on a $22,000 spending spree, police said.

Giordano, a former Long Island resident, was extradited to New York from South Carolina on Friday, according to the Suffolk County Police Department. He was facing charges of identity theft and grand larceny.

Authorities said Giordano, 47, was already lying to his roommate at the time of the crash, telling Geoffrey MacMurdo he was a Sept. 11 victim and New York firefighter.

When MacMurdo was involved in the crash in June 2005 that eventually cost him his leg, Giordano claimed his belongings from officers, police said.

Giordano made more than $22,000 in charges on his roommate’s credit cards and on new cards he took out in MacMurdo’s name, police said. He used the cards at a strip club and to buy a 15-year-old Jeep, police said.

After the crash, Giordano continued to live with MacMurdo. He moved out without warning in May 2006 and eventually moved to South Carolina. It was only after he moved that his roommate began to suspect him.

jay: strong island represent! i feel like i went to high school with like 20 dudes who woulda done the same thing in giordano’s situation. stories like this make me homesick.

The Guardian — After the pomp and ceremony of his departure from Buckingham Palace, his speech on the doorstep at No 10, and a partial reshuffle, Gordon Brown’s role as prime minister began with an onerous and somewhat sobering task. Tony Blair, when faced with the duty, immediately went white in the face, said onlookers. John Major couldn’t face it: he went home for the weekend.

As prime minister, with ultimate responsibility for Britain’s nuclear deterrent, Mr Brown has to write a letter, in his own hand, giving instructions detailing what the UK’s response should be in the event of a pre-emptive nuclear attack.

The letter will be opened only by the commander of a British Trident submarine, who would have to assume that the prime minister was no longer in a position to take “live” command of the situation. The options are said to include the orders: “Put yourself under the command of the US, if it is still there”; “go to Australia”; “retaliate”; “or use your own judgment”.

Each new prime minister writes the letter as soon as he or she takes office after being “indoctrinated” by the chief of the defence staff, who explains precisely what damage a Trident missile could cause. The letter is destroyed when they leave office.

cates: go to australia? who? the dude who reads the letter? everyone? isn’t this what they did with convicts in the 19th century? i’m confused.

jay: yeah, dude. you guys should fully re-colonize australia. they’ve gone astray, bring ‘em back.

PENN HILLS, Pa. (AP) — A man who thought the clerk at a fast-food drive-through was rude for not saying “please” and “thank you” punched her in the face, police said. Duane L. Williams, angered by what he felt was the clerk’s rudeness, walked into the store to complain just before 8 p.m. Wednesday, Penn Hills police Chief Howard Burton said Friday.

Before the manager could meet with Williams, he walked back outside, pushed open the drive-through window and punched the 19-year-old woman in the face. The clerk was bruised, but not badly hurt, Burton said.

He didn’t like the girl’s attitude because she didn’t say ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’” Burton said.

The store manager ran outside to get Williams’ license plate number and called police.

Williams, 46, told police he had “anger-management issues” when he turned himself in later that night, Burton said.

jay: anger management issues? really? awesome.

cates: i don’t see any problem here. why were the police called?

Monroe, La. (AP) — While Wal-Mart is known for dropping its prices, one West Monroe man took the ad campaign seriously when he dropped the price of a plasma television from $984 to $4.88. Police arrested Chandon L. Simms, 23, on Tuesday at the retail store on a charge of felony theft.

According to police reports, Simms carried a 42-inch Sanyo Plasma TV to a self-checkout aisle after switching the original price tag of $984 with one for only $4.88. Wal-Mart Loss Prevention officers witnessed the alleged transaction and called police.

When the store officers stopped Simms on his way out the door, he produced a receipt for a television purchased at the West Monroe Wal-Mart, authorities said.

Simms told officers that he purchased a TV from the West Monroe store and planned to returrn that one and keep the one he purchased for only $4.88 from the Monroe store. He was then arrested and booked into the Ouachita Correctional Center.

jay: $4.88 seems optimistic. i mean, if you’re gonna drop the price on your own and hope to get away with it, how about dropping it to $99.95? something that would seem like a good deal but not unreasonable. $4.88? come on, dude.

AP - SALT LAKE CITY - An escaped inmate slashed the neck of a 59-year-old truck driver inside a fast-food restaurant as the two fought over a gun the inmate is accused of using to fatally shoot his guard, the driver said.

“I don’t know where I got the strength,” Eric Fullerton, who eventually wrested the gun away, told the Deseret Morning News for a story Wednesday. “I just knew I couldn’t let go or I would be dead.”

The former Army paratrooper was in line Monday morning at an Arby’s restaurant when Curtis Allgier, a heavily tattooed man with a swastika on his forehead, ran in with a gun.

Authorities allege Allgier shot and killed corrections officer Stephen Anderson with the guard’s gun about an hour earlier while the men were alone in a room during a medical appointment at the University of Utah.

He led police on a high-speed chase Monday before bailing out at Arby’s, authorities said.

[…]

Fullerton said he jumped the counter and got the gun out of Allgier’s hands. During the struggle, the prisoner slashed his neck with a serrated knife, he said. Fullerton was not seriously injured but needed stitches.

Police stormed in moments later and captured Allgier as he hid in a manager’s office.

Allgier was in the Salt Lake County jail Wednesday awaiting charges in Anderson’s death. He did not have an attorney assigned to him as of Wednesday, officials said.

In an interview Wednesday with a Salt Lake City station KUTV, Allgier said the gun “went off” during his struggle with the guard as he tried to escape.

“I never pulled that trigger one time in that whole episode,” Allgier said.

jay: ’skin’ ‘head’ eyebrows, swastika third eye, portrait of hitler. he’s going to have a hard time being believed, i think. also, he’s probably going to live to regret not leaving room for ‘born to lose’.

rob: man, goatees really are a bad call, aren’t they? it’s just impossible to look a goatee-wearer in the eyes with that weird, distracting scruff hanging off his chin.

BBC — More than 70 people were forced to leave a cinema in Bedford after a man set fire to himself in the foyer.

The man went into Cineworld in Aspects Leisure Complex on Monday evening and poured petrol over himself before setting it alight.

The cinema manager managed to get the 21-year-old man outside and rolled him on the ground to put out the flames before he was taken to hospital.

It is believed the man had earlier been sacked from his job at the cinema.

He was taken to Bedford South Wing Hospital where he is in a critical care unit with burns to his chest, legs and arms.

The cinema manager was treated in hospital for smoke inhalation.

Bedfordshire Police said there was some fire damage to the foyer and smoke damage to other areas, and the cinema is expected to be closed for two days.

cates: if you work in a cinema, you get exposed to a lot of negative influences.

TOKYO (AFP) - A Japanese man who set a world record by wolfing down dozens of hot dogs within minutes has suffered a severe jaw injury due to his rigorous training, making his next title uncertain.

Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi said he can only open his mouth to make a gap the size of a fingertip after being diagnosed with jaw arthritis.

In an entry on his blog entitled “Occupational hazard,” Kobayashi said: “My jaw refused to fight any more.”

The injury occurred only a week after the slender 29-year-old started training to win his seventh straight title at the annual July 4 Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating event on New York’s Coney Island.

“I feel ashamed that I couldn’t notice the alarm bells set off by my own body,” he said. “But with the goal to win another title with a new record, I couldn’t stop my training so close to the competition.

“I was continuing my training and bearing with the pain but finally I destroyed my jaw.”

Kobayashi, who has become a niche celebrity in Japan and the United States, had already halted his competitive eating activities for several months due to mourning after his mother’s death earlier this year.

But he said he still wanted to go to the competition in New York.

“I want to be the pride of my mother,” he said in the blog entry posted Sunday.

jay: before the mother and the lockjaw, this movie was going to be boring. now it’s getting closer to being a (probably) totally hilarious farrelly brothers blockbuster. kobayashi, you sure do know how to reel us in.

cates: i notice that kobayashi goes by the sobriquet “tsunami”. does this describe the hot dogs on the way in or on the way out?

dan: by the way, have you seen kobayashi’s abs? here:

dan: guy’s a beast! you cannot stop a tsunami!

By Europe Correspondent Rafael Epstein
ABC News — Royal Australian Navy personnel were almost captured by Iranian forces but repelled them using “highly colourful language”, according to reports in the UK.

The incident happened a few months before 15 British sailors and marines were taken prisoner in the same Gulf waters.

Several military sources have told the BBC that Iranian naval forces tried to capture an Australian Navy boarding team but were vigorously repelled.

The BBC claims that the Australian Navy boarding party had just finished searching a vessel in the Gulf, when Iranian boats came out to meet them.

The Australians reportedly saw the Iranian patrol approaching, reboarded the ship they had been searching, and aimed their weapons at the Iranian boats.

The Australians used what was described as “highly colourful language” to deter the Iranian patrol.

jay: i think this says more about the iranian navy than the australian navy.

By FRANK ELTMAN
AP - GARDEN CITY, N.Y. - It’s what kids do: squeal in delight when they’re having fun.

But to some Long Island residents those squeals were unwelcome noise, and they wanted two neighborhood girls playing in a backyard pool to pipe down.

The complaints fell on deaf ears Wednesday night when Bayville’s acting village justice dismissed a summons accusing the girls’ parents, William and Rachel Poczatek, of violating a village noise ordinance.

“I think the village did the right thing,” William Poczatek said.

Poczatek said he was shocked when he and his wife were slapped with a summons. Sure, he said, Ashley, 11, and 5-year-old Chloe make noise when they’re outside enjoying their aboveground swimming pool.

“What, are you telling me that a kid can’t make noise?” he protested. “It’s not fair.”

The Poczateks were cleared because the ordinance is usually reserved for “the shouting and crying of peddlers, hawkers and vendors, which disturbs the peace and quiet of the neighborhood,” their attorney said.

jay: if i remember my long island protocol correctly, the next step after ‘rejected summons/justice was not served’ is arson. if i were you, mr. poczatec, i’d make sure that my smoke detectors were in working order.

dan: jay, i haven’t spent much time on the long island. is there really a big problem with peddler noise? like, what’s the fishmonger population, roughly speaking?

jay: fair question. long island, being an island of some size, is exactly one-half fishmonger and one-half other assorted hawker/vendor (all of whom are both arsonists and volunteer firefighters), which is why the ordinance was on the books in the first place. unfortunately, it does not apply to small children not yet accepted to the fishmonger guild.

New Zealand Herald — The father of a boy whose name the Department of Internal Affairs have refused to register says if he was in the public eye, no one would question his choice.

Pat Wheaton, who appeared with his wife Sheena on TV1’s Close Up programme earlier this week, has been told he cannot name his son 4Real.

“The name has meaning for us, so why not?” he said, when contacted by the Herald today.

“If it was George Bush’s child, or the Dalai Lama’s, no one would care what it was called.”

The Wheatons said they decided on the name after seeing an ultrasound scan of their baby and realising it was “for real”.

The couple said they chose the spelling “4Real” because it was the clearest and simplest way of writing it down.

cates: that child is going to be bullied. but not as badly as drew peacock.

dan: ha! drew peacock is awesome. it’s like when we considered naming our daughter enya. enya reines. but drewpea cock takes the cake. (oh, and i didn’t realize the dalai lama had kids. mazal tov!)

jay: i kinda like ‘4real lama’ (which might just be the name of my new hiphop outfit). ‘4real bush’ not so much.

By WILLIAM McCALLAP - PORTLAND, Ore. - A transit agency chief apologized Wednesday to two teenage girls who were kicked off a city bus for kissing each other.

The girls, both 14, said the driver called them “sickos” after a female passenger complained about their kiss. The driver then stopped the bus along the street and forced them off.

“Removing the girls from the bus was not consistent with our policy,” said TriMet General Manager Fred Hansen. “I want to reiterate that we welcome all riders on our system.”

jay: fred hansen is nervous. fred hansen has been around the block in portland. fred hansen knows what portlanders are capable of.

The driver, an 11-veteran who was not identified, will be disciplined, TriMet officials said, though no details were released.

jay: you better hurry, fred hansen or the good citizens of portland are going to 1) lynch the driver and 2) only ride their fixed-gear bikes for the rest of the summer in protest. expect empty buses until the rain picks up again in late october.

cates: in london, bus companies treat amorous, lesbianic displays as a value-added service. want to see the show? that’s an extra £1.50.

By Jennifer Sullivan
Seattle Times — A 20-year-old Lake Stevens woman arrested in the death of her 4-month-old son told police that she had taped a pacifier to the infant’s face to keep it inside his mouth.

The woman, who is not being identified because she hasn’t been charged, called 911 around 11:30 a.m. Monday to report that the infant was unconscious, according to Lake Stevens police.

[…]

The woman told police and medics that a half-hour earlier she found the infant dead and ripped the pacifier from his face, according to paperwork released by Snohomish County prosecutors. She called her fiancé and then called for help.

jay: tape? fucknut.

BAAPS Press Release

London, UK — 15 June, 2007 - The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (www.baaps.org.uk), the not-for-profit organisation established for the advancement of education and practice of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery for public benefit, today denounced a website offering free breast augmentations as ‘degrading’ and warned British women that the process was entirely inappropriate for what should be a life-changing decision.

The BAAPS have learned that UK women are being lured into joining the myfreeimplants.com site, where they post photos of themselves and a personal profile, meant to entice men to donate money to pay for their breast augmentation surgery. Benefactors are then allowed unrestricted access to all profiles, are able to ‘send messages to the ladies’ as well as ‘purchase any personal products the ladies may have for sale’ and even ‘receive custom photos of your favourite girls (you may even request specific outfits)’.

cates: etymological note: the word “benefactor” comes from the mediaeval english for “moneyed sex pest”.

jay: i like the kids who post at subnerd. they help me learn about new things, like what ‘gummy bear’ implants are.

BBC — A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend’s testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: “That’s yours.”

Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

jay: in case you were wondering…

Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

via spcoon

jay: i’m kind of speechless here. legs closed tightly, grimacing.

dan: my favorite part is “that’s yours.” for sure? because i did lose a testicle. are you sure this one’s mine? it’s got…yes, there they are, my initials. cheers!

cates: i don’t know what all the fuss is about. she did spit it out, after all.

Staff and agencies
Thursday June 14, 2007
Guardian Unlimited

A ferocious squirrel went on the rampage in Germany this week, attacking three people before meeting its match in an angry 72-year-old.

Police in the southern town of Passau said the creature attacked a 70-year-old woman on Tuesday, sinking its teeth into her hand.

It next entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring his hand and arm before he fought it off with a pole.

A police spokesman said the squirrel then finally met its end - but it didn’t go down without a fight.

“The squirrel went into the 72-year-old man’s garden and attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh,” the spokesman said. “Then he killed it with his crutch.”

He explained that experts thought the creature’s behaviour could have been brought on by the mating season, or it could have been ill.

dan: right. and the fact that marilyn manson has a new album out had nothing to do with this. uh-huh.