Fairburn, S.D. (AP) — Acting to protect her dog, 80-year-old Martha Smith killed a mountain lion at her home along French Creek near Fairburn. She missed with her first shot, went into the house to call 911, then went back outside with a .22-caliber rifle.

“And he was a spittin’ and a growlin’,” said Smith. “All I saw was flashing eyes and teeth. And I knew I was gonna have to kill him if I could.”

Smith, who lives alone, said she’d like to have the lion mounted, but doubts the state Department of Game, Fish & Parks will return the carcass to her.

jay: i’m with you martha. in fact, i’m so with you that i think i’m gonna make ‘return the carcass’ tshirts and sell them on etsy.

By MARTIGA LOHN, Associated Press Writer

AP - ST. PAUL, Minn. - On the slaughterhouse floor at Quality Pork Processors Inc. is an area known as the “head table,” but not because it is the place of honor. It is where workers cut up pigs’ heads and then shoot compressed air into the skulls until the brains come spilling out.

But now the grisly practice has come under suspicion from health authorities.

Over eight months from last December through July, 11 workers at the plant in Austin, Minn. — all of them employed at the head table — developed numbness, tingling or other neurological symptoms, and some scientists suspect inhaled airborne brain matter may have somehow triggered the illnesses.

The use of compressed air to remove pig brains was suspended at Quality Pork earlier this week while authorities try to get to the bottom of the mystery.

Quality Pork has not said what it does with the pork brains. Sold fresh and in cans, pork brains are fried and eaten in sandwiches or gravy in some parts of the country. But it is a small market, and the American Meat Institute, which represents most of the nation’s pork processors, does not even track sales.

In a rapid-fire process that is noisy, smelly and bloody, severed pigs’ heads are cut up at the head table at a rate of more than 1,100 an hour. Workers slice off the cheek and snout meat, then insert a nozzle in the head and blast air inside until the light pink mush that is the brain tissue squirts out from the base of the skull.

jay: am i being a sensitive hippie vegan here or is this pretty gnarly to the rest of you, too? sometimes i lose perspective.

Waupaca, Wis. (AP) — A man who was upset with his wife for not buying beer took vengeance by shooting one of the family’s two pet goats, prosecutors say.

Peter W. Mischler, 48, was charged this week in Circuit Court with mistreatment of animals, possession of a firearm while intoxicated and disorderly conduct with a dangerous weapon.

The complaint said Mischler came home Saturday from hunting and became angry with his 22-year-old daughter for letting the goats out and making a mess. While she was talking on the phone to her mother, authorities said, he told her to tell his wife to bring home some beer, but his wife refused.

He then threatened to shoot the goats, according to the complaint.

After his wife arrived home, she and the daughter heard four gunshots and went outside and found one of the two goats with its entrails hanging out, authorities said. They said that goat had to be killed later by a sheriff’s deputy.

Mischler posted a $1,000 cash bond set by Circuit Judge Raymond Huber and was released.

A hearing was scheduled for Dec. 4.

jay: part of me hopes that really bad things happen to this guy right now, but the rest of me thinks that his life is already an incredibly slow painful grind into some form of hell anyway, and i wouldn’t want anything to hasten his descent.

GAUHATI, India (AP) — In a Nov. 13 story, The Associated Press incorrectly reported that Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India.

jay: i’m with you, paris. the man helps you when you help yourself. take that, drunken elephants.

Manson, Wash. (AP) — Charles and Linda Everson were driving back to their hotel when their minivan was struck by a falling object — a 600-pound cow. The Eversons were unhurt but the cow, which had fallen off a cliff, had to be euthanized.

The year-old cow fell about 200 feet from the cliff and landed on the hood of the couple’s minivan, causing heavy damage.

A Chelan County fire chief, Arnold Baker, said the couple missed being killed by a matter of inches in the accident Sunday on a highway near Manson.

The Eversons, visiting the area from their home in Westland, Mich., to celebrate their first wedding anniversary, were checked at Lake Chelan Community Hospital as a precaution.

Everson, 49, said he didn’t see the cow falling and didn’t know what happened until afterward.

He said he kept repeating: “I don’t believe this. I don’t believe this.”

jay: yeah, i guess it sucks about the cow falling on the car thing but at least they don’t have to drive back to michigan now. shit is far.

CHICAGO (AFP) - A pack of hunting dogs shot an Iowa man as he went to retrieve a fallen pheasant, authorities said.

James Harris, 37, was shot in the leg while hunting with some friends on Saturday afternoon.

The group shot a bird which landed on the other side of a fence, the Iowa Department of Natural Resource said in a press release.

“Harris reportedly went to retrieve the bird, placed his gun on the ground and crossed the fence near the muzzle end,” the press release said.

“When he crossed the fence, hunting dogs stepped on the gun, which discharged and struck Harris in the left calf at a distance of roughly three feet.”

Harris was treated at a regional medical center and later transported by helicopter to an Iowa City hospital.

jay: they don’t say whether or not the dogs were arrested. inept french press.

AP - PORTLAND - Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.

He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.

“You can assume alcohol was involved,” he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a “mixture of stupid stuff.”

It happened at a barbecue with friends.

Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand.

“She said, ‘Get that thing out of my face,”‘ Wilkinson said. “I told her it was a nice snake. ‘Nothing can happen. Watch.”‘

So he stuck the snake in his mouth.

“It got a hold of my tongue,” he said.

He was having breathing problems when his ex-girlfriend drove him to the hospital. “She was the only one sober,” Wilkinson said.

jay: i’m not buying this ’sometimes a snake is just a snake’ malarkey. also, sux that the ap doesn’t mention whether or not she took him back.

Seattle Times — Prosser, Benton County — Turns out, even beheaded rattlesnakes can be dangerous. That’s what 53-year-old Danny Anderson learned Monday night, when a 5-foot rattler slithered onto his Central Washington property, about 50 miles southeast of Yakima.

Anderson and his 27-year-old son, Benjamin, pinned the snake with an irrigation pipe and cut off its head with a shovel. A few more strikes to the head left it sitting under a pickup truck.

“When I reached down to pick up the head, it raised around and did a backflip almost, and bit my finger,” Anderson said. “I had to shake my hand real hard to get it to let loose.”

His wife insisted they go to the hospital, and when they arrived 10 minutes later, Anderson’s tongue was swollen and the venom was spreading. He then was taken by ambulance 30 miles to a Richland hospital to get the full series of six shots he needed.

Anderson was in the hospital until Wednesday afternoon.

jay: it’s kind of a bummer when you think you do everything right and your tongue still winds up swollen. eastern washington, represent.

By RAY HENRY

AP - PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.

“He doesn’t make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die,” said Dr. David Dosa in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday’s issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

jay: omg. he doesn’t make too many mistakes? that is totally panic-inducing.

BERLIN, Germany (AP) — Officials in the central German city of Erfurt called for stronger laws Monday to protect the rights of animals amid allegations that workers at the city’s zoo killed some goats, sheep, pigs and other beasts to sell them for their meat.

The scandal at the Thueringer Zoopark in Erfurt, a city of 200,000 people about 60 miles southwest of Leipzig, has provoked criticism from animal rights groups and cost the zoo’s director his job.

“The killing and selling of animals has been effectively stopped,” Erfurt Mayor Andreas Bausewein said.

Last week, Erfurt state prosecutors launched an investigation after Bausewein alerted them to problems at the zoo, which is home to giraffes, monkeys and elephants, as well as domestic animals such as donkeys, goats and pigs.

The mayor’s office said that goats, sheep, pigs and deer accounted for most of the animals that have disappeared from the zoo, alleging they were shot and butchered without proper approval from a veterinarian.

The German Animal Protection Association said the actions violated existing laws protecting animals and expressed concern that more such cases existed.

“We fear that this is just the tip of the iceberg,” said Wolfgang Apel, the association’s president.

The zoo’s new director, Hans-Guenther Collette, said that in addition to making sure no more killings take place, he plans to ensure that the public knows that all animals have been accounted for.

“We will post a complete list of all animals in the zoo on our home page and update it regularly,” Collette said.

jay: and the killers? how about some accountability, hans? i’m sorry, what’s that? you can’t talk while you have a mouth full of monkey butt? that’s what i thought.

AP - VENTURA, Calif. - An arrest was made Thursday in the vicious attack on Bob, a 42-pound pet tortoise who was slashed and stabbed after being stolen from the home of an autistic boy.

Police said the attacker tried to cut Bob out of his shell. His hind legs were badly cut, a toe was cut off, his neck was slashed and his shell was punctured with a sharp object. The animal also was thrown against a wall, police said.

Jose “Tony” Mosqueda, 18, of Ventura, was booked at the county jail for investigation of cruelty to animals and grand theft.

It is believed he acted alone, police said.

The 25-year-old African spurred tortoise belongs to Dorothy and Bill Sullivan and is a special friend to their 6-year-old autistic son, who rarely spoke to people but chattered to the animal.

The tortoise was snatched from their yard on July 7, brutalized and dumped in brush behind an apartment complex.

An anonymous caller told the family where to find Bob.

Police declined to discuss a motive, but Richards said it didn’t appear the attacker wanted to eat Bob.

Dorothy Sullivan said Thursday that she and her son danced with happiness when they heard of the arrest.

“This is wonderful news,” she said.

The boy had not been sleeping well since the attack, she explained.

“His security fell apart,” she said. “He was afraid that somebody was going to come and steal him and take him away and hurt him.”

“Now he feels safe. Now he can go out and play,” she said.

The family has installed security cameras and an alarm on the backyard fence so that Bob will be safer when he returns.

The tortoise was being treated at Turtle Dreams, a Montecito rehabilitation center. He remained in guarded condition and was being fed through a tube in his neck.

“He’s getting more relaxed and coming out of his shell” more often, said Jeanie Vaughan, the center’s owner. “If he continues without any infection, I think he’s going to be fine.”

Dorothy Sullivan said Bob did an amazing thing when she visited the center earlier in the week.

“He took his first steps,” she said. “He brought his head completely out of his shell … and then he struggled to his feet.”

The tortoise collapsed but then managed to take eight steps.

“When he finished, he had a tear in his eye … as did the rest of us,” Sullivan said. “It was an excellent, great sign.”

jay: hey, i know! i’ll cut this turtle out of its shell for the heck of it. and then maybe i can get those shitty girls from sonoma can light it on fire and feed it to michael vick’s pit bull.

AP - NEW YORK - A peacock that roamed into a fast-food restaurant parking lot was attacked by man who vilified the bird as a vampire, animal-control authorities said.

Beaten so fiercely that most of his tail feathers fell out, the bird was euthanized, said Richard Gentles, a spokesman for the city’s Center for Animal Care and Control.

“It’s just unbelievable that someone would do something to a poor, defenseless animal and do it in such a cruel fashion,” he said.

The peacock, a male several years old, wandered into a Staten Island Burger King parking lot and perched on a car hood Thursday morning. Charmed employees had been feeding him bread when the man appeared.

He seized the iridescent bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground and started kicking and stomping the creature, said worker Felicia Finnegan, 19.

“He was going crazy,” she said.

Asked what he was doing, she said, the attacker explained, “‘I’m killing a vampire!’”

jay: it’s kind of weird that he explained. he didn’t exclaim or shout. he explained. this, to me, is the weirdest part of all the weird parts. peacock, staten island, burger king. all weird. ‘explaining’ that he was killing a vampire. weirdest.

rob: imagining an animal care worker with the surname “gentles” stooping to pick up that bird is just about enough to make me weep. (then again, if your vampire radar picks up a strong signal, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.)

By ERIN CONROY

AP - BOSTON - A 50-ton bowhead whale caught off the Alaskan coast last month had a weapon fragment embedded in its neck that showed it survived a similar hunt — more than a century ago. Embedded deep under its blubber was a 3 1/2-inch arrow-shaped projectile that has given researchers insight into the whale’s age, estimated between 115 and 130 years old.

“No other finding has been this precise,” said John Bockstoce, an adjunct curator of the New Bedford Whaling Museum.

Calculating a whale’s age can be difficult, and is usually gauged by amino acids in the eye lenses. It’s rare to find one that has lived more than a century, but experts say the oldest were close to 200 years old.

jay: hooray! we finally got him! now let’s cut down this giant redwood so that we can count its rings and see how old it was! u-s-a! u-s-a!

The Scotsman — Two Thai strays who became ace sniffer dogs at an airport near the notorious “Golden Triangle” opium-producing region have been fired for urinating on luggage and sexually harassing female passengers.

The pair, Mok and Lai, had been plucked from obscurity under a programme initiated by King Bhumibol Adulyadej to turn strays into police dogs, the Bangkok Post said on Sunday.

They won plaudits from police for their work in sniffing out drugs at northern Thailand’s Chiang Rai airport, near the border with Laos and Myanmar.

But so many passengers complained about their unacceptable behaviour that they had to be fired.

“He liked to pee on luggage while searching for drugs inside,” Mok’s former handler, Police Lieutenant Colonel Jakapop Kamhon, said. “He also liked to hold on to women’s legs.”

cates: how are they any different to the baggage handlers? it’s just another example of prejudice in the modern world.

jay: actually, they’re not much different from the average dude on holiday in thailand. half sex tourist, half lame frat boy.

AP - CHELSEA, Vt. - A prosecutor has dropped charges against a woman who was arrested for staring at and making faces at a police dog.

“Prosecuting a woman for ’staring’ at a police dog is absurd,” said her lawyer. “People are allowed to make faces at police dogs and officers to express their disapproval. It’s constitutional expression,” said public defender Kelly Green, who represented Jayna Hutchinson.

Hutchinson, 33, of Lebanon, N.H., was charged with cruelty to a police animal and resisting arrest after a July 31 incident in West Fairlee in which police were called to a market to investigate a report of a brawl. They were approached by Hutchinson, who told one officer she had been assaulted the day before by one of the men involved.

She asked Vermont State Police Sgt. Todd Protzman to take her statement but he refused, telling her she smelled like alcohol and was drunk but that he would take her statement at another time.

After a heated exchange, she approached Protzman’s cruiser, where his dog Max was waiting, putting her face within inches of the window and “staring at him in a taunting/harassing manner,” Protzman wrote in an affidavit.

“While the defendant taunted my canine, Max was focused on the defendant and the perceived threat she presented to him,” the affidavit said. “He was no longer focused on me and the other officers at the scene.”

jay: i love cop talk. ‘my canine’ is really something else. is there something the matter with saying ‘my dog?’ or ‘the animal?’ i don’t think there is. do cops talk that way because they think it sounds both more professional and more hard-ass? also, it’s sad when canines lose focus.

dan: what’s up, my canine? my sister from another litter! my pooch from another cooch!

jay: pooch from another cooch?!

cates: we have irritating policespeak in the uk, too. criminals are always “perpetrators”. people never head north; they always “proceed in a northerly direction”. and the police never lock anyone up; they “deprive them of their liberty”. i’m sure it’s just an attempt to reverse the totally unjustified and widespread opinion that cops are intellectually sub-normal.

jay: pooch from another cooch?!

dan: over the line?