AP — HAYDEN, Idaho — A man who believed he bore the “mark of the beast” used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then he cooked it in the microwave and called 911, authorities said.

The man, in his mid-20s, was calm when Kootenai County sheriff’s deputies arrived Saturday in this northern Idaho town. He was in protective custody in the mental health unit of Kootenai Medical Center.

“It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived,” sheriff’s Capt. Ben Wolfinger said. “He put a tourniquet on his arm before, so he didn’t bleed to death. That kind of mental illness is just sad.”

[…]

The book of Matthew also contains the passage: “And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for you whole body to do into hell.”

Wolfinger said he didn’t know which hand was amputated.

jay is it in the AP styleguide that all stories which quote law enforcement officials are required to have an incredibly dry punchline? it would seem that the answer is ‘yes.’

In lieu of posting one of the 3,000 news items regarding Bush letting Scooter off the hook, here’s a relevant snippet from the movie “The Sting”:

Doyle Lonnegan: Your boss is quite a card player, Mr. Kelly; how does he do it?

Johnny Hooker: He cheats.

jay: whoa. thanks for posting that rob. it’s how i found out that libby walked. when your approval rating is already in the toilet…

The Guardian — After the pomp and ceremony of his departure from Buckingham Palace, his speech on the doorstep at No 10, and a partial reshuffle, Gordon Brown’s role as prime minister began with an onerous and somewhat sobering task. Tony Blair, when faced with the duty, immediately went white in the face, said onlookers. John Major couldn’t face it: he went home for the weekend.

As prime minister, with ultimate responsibility for Britain’s nuclear deterrent, Mr Brown has to write a letter, in his own hand, giving instructions detailing what the UK’s response should be in the event of a pre-emptive nuclear attack.

The letter will be opened only by the commander of a British Trident submarine, who would have to assume that the prime minister was no longer in a position to take “live” command of the situation. The options are said to include the orders: “Put yourself under the command of the US, if it is still there”; “go to Australia”; “retaliate”; “or use your own judgment”.

Each new prime minister writes the letter as soon as he or she takes office after being “indoctrinated” by the chief of the defence staff, who explains precisely what damage a Trident missile could cause. The letter is destroyed when they leave office.

cates: go to australia? who? the dude who reads the letter? everyone? isn’t this what they did with convicts in the 19th century? i’m confused.

jay: yeah, dude. you guys should fully re-colonize australia. they’ve gone astray, bring ‘em back.

New Zealand Herald — The father of a boy whose name the Department of Internal Affairs have refused to register says if he was in the public eye, no one would question his choice.

Pat Wheaton, who appeared with his wife Sheena on TV1’s Close Up programme earlier this week, has been told he cannot name his son 4Real.

“The name has meaning for us, so why not?” he said, when contacted by the Herald today.

“If it was George Bush’s child, or the Dalai Lama’s, no one would care what it was called.”

The Wheatons said they decided on the name after seeing an ultrasound scan of their baby and realising it was “for real”.

The couple said they chose the spelling “4Real” because it was the clearest and simplest way of writing it down.

cates: that child is going to be bullied. but not as badly as drew peacock.

dan: ha! drew peacock is awesome. it’s like when we considered naming our daughter enya. enya reines. but drewpea cock takes the cake. (oh, and i didn’t realize the dalai lama had kids. mazal tov!)

jay: i kinda like ‘4real lama’ (which might just be the name of my new hiphop outfit). ‘4real bush’ not so much.

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese woman survived a plunge from a sixth-floor balcony thanks to a convenient pile of excrement which broke her fall, local media said.

The accident happened when the woman was hanging out laundry on Monday in Nanjing, capital of the eastern province of Jiangsu, the Kuaibao tabloid said on its Web site (www.kuaibao.net).

“Workers happened to be emptying the building’s septic tank, which had not been tended for a long time and had regularly blocked sewage pipes,” the newspaper said.

“She probably stretched out too far and fell … right on to a 20 cm-thick heap of excrement.”

jay: bittersweet, huh? on one hand, you’re not dead. on the other hand, you’re not dead.

dan: she should have known it wasn’t her day. she’s hanging her clothes out to dry six floors above a foot-deep pile of crap?

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Having made a fortune off bare-breasted women, “Girls Gone Wild” founder is setting his sights on selling another type of breast.

A restaurant chain under the “Girls Gone Wild” brand name is being planned by Joe Francis, whose Mantra Films Inc.’s has built a $100 million business videotaping and selling the DVDs featuring young women exposing their breasts.

“This is going to be about fun, lifestyle, youth, sun. It’s about everything ‘Girls Gone Wild,”‘ Francis said. “It’s going to be sexy without being sexual.”

dan: awesome. will roofies be on the menu, or will they just be sold out of a vending machine in the men’s room? i’m not actually kidding, by the way.

jay: i can hear your seriousness. the ggw menu will be sort of like the secret menu at in-n-out burger. when you order for your date, it’ll go something like, “and my lady friend here is interested in a chicken sandwich with a side of fries and a vanilla ‘rape-kit’ shake.” she’ll be none the wiser.

dan: i know there’s a milkshake joke in here somewhere, but i don’t feel
like wading through the sweat and vomit to get there.