Des Moines, Iowa (AP) — Pig fetuses believed stolen from a biology lab at a Des Moines high school were found impaled on car antennas at a rival school’s parking lot in West Des Moines. The incident was discovered on Tuesday at Dowling Catholic High School.

The pig fetuses were believed stolen from Roosevelt High School. They were on about 15 cars, along with a pound of biology-class crawfish that were smeared on hoods and windshields.

“You could smell the formaldehyde from a block away,” Dowling Assistant Principal Ron Meyers said.

Roosevelt Principal Kathie Danielson said science teachers “can’t be sure” the pigs came from Roosevelt. She said the pig fetuses aren’t labeled and the school doesn’t keep inventory.

jay: this is pretty gross, even for des moines.

By ADAM NAGOURNEY

NYTIMES - Iowa, Oct. 3 — Twenty-four minutes after he began speaking in a small restaurant the other day, Fred D. Thompson brought his remarks to a close with a nod of his head and an expression of thanks to Iowans for allowing him to “give my thoughts about some things.”

Then he stood face to face with a silent audience.

“Can I have a round of applause?” Mr. Thompson said, drawing a rustle of clapping and some laughter.

“Well, I had to drag that out of you,” he said.

[…]

Voters who came out to see Mr. Thompson as he traveled through Iowa, even while expressing admiration for his views and intense interest in his candidacy, said they were struck by how little energy or passion he appeared to bring into a room.

“I hope his campaign strategy works for him, but I’m not sure it will,” said Kay Odell, a retired child-abuse worker, who talked to Mr. Thompson as he campaigned at a coffee shop in Iowa Falls. “He comes across as very low-key.”

She added, “I’m sure he’ll make a good president.”

(full article)

rob: man, we’re like whipped dogs now. just about anyone seems like they’d make a good president. when you’re talking about the u.s. presidency, it seems “good” has been redefined as “not outwardly horrific.”

jay: frankly, i’m having a hard time finding a candidate who isn’t outwardly horrific. other than kucinich, i mean. vote vegan.

AP — CHICAGO — A parking ticket topped the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile after it was left parked illegally on a downtown Chicago thoroughfare.

The 27-foot fiberglass sausage was ticketed Thursday morning after its driver parked it on Michigan Avenue and left it on the side of the six-lane road with the hazard lights blinking.

A police officer ticketed the vehicle and radioed for a tow truck, but the car’s driver and passenger returned before the truck arrived.

“The situation was resolved without the use of ketchup, which in Chicago is a big thing,” said Matt Smith of the city’s Streets and Sanitation Department.

Smith said a city tow truck could have done the job, if necessary.

“We have access to tow trucks that could have handled a Polish sausage, not just a hot dog,” Smith said.

jay: the yuks just keep on coming at the sanitation department, huh? god. this story ruined my morning, so i figured i’d pass it along.

By DINESH RAMDE

MILWAUKEE, (AP) — A 500-pound man injured while tubing down a shallow stretch of the St. Croix River was pulled to safety Tuesday by dozens of rescue workers who spent hours carrying him to a navigable part of the waterway.

Martin Rike, 39, of Pine City, Minn., was treated for chest pain at the Burnett Medical Center in Grantsburg on Tuesday morning and discharged that afternoon, his mother said.

Rike and three friends were floating down the river on the Minnesota border in inner tubes Monday afternoon when Rike’s hit a rock and deflated, said Chief Deputy Steve Ovick of the Pine County Sheriff’s Office in Minnesota.

Rike’s group called 911 shortly after 8 p.m. to report that he was having chest pains. A paramedic who arrived by helicopter stabilized Rike, but the pilot couldn’t take him to a hospital, saying he was too heavy.

As many as 50 rescuers on the ground responded, with the first reaching Rike about 9 p.m. Crews tried to get to Rike with boats and canoes, but the watercraft ran aground in shallow water.

Rescuers tried loading him into an aluminum boat, hoping to carry him over the rocky ground. But he was so heavy that they could move the makeshift stretcher only several feet downstream per hoist.

Finally, rescuers created a floating platform by lashing three canoes together and placing four boards across them.

“That remedy worked much better, but it was still a lot of work,” Ovick said. “They still had to drag those canoes all that way.”

Rescuers finally got Rike to the ambulance about 8:15 a.m. Tuesday, more than 12 hours after the 911 call.

Rike wasn’t in pain during the ordeal, said his mother, Sharon Rike.

“He got really cold because he was in wet clothes all night from being in the river,” she said. “(Tuesday) morning, he was tired and hungry, but he was joking and trying to get warm.”

Even though Rike weighs 500 pounds, the truck driver is “really pretty healthy,” his mother said. This was the first time he had tried tubing.

jay: i’m calling bullshit on the health claims, sharon. also, i’m thinking that this is probably the last time that he tries tubing. as a rescuer, at what point do you contemplate giving up trying to get a fat guy out of a shallow creek?

BBC — Bubba Ludwig may only be 10 months old, but he has already successfully obtained a gun licence in the US state of Illinois.

Bubba’s father, Howard Ludwig, applied on his behalf after his grandfather gave him a shotgun as an heirloom.

Mr Ludwig said he had not expected to succeed, but he filled in the online form, paid $5 and the licence was his.

[…]

Mr Ludwig said Bubba’s gun would likely remain at his grandfather’s house until he was 14.

“I’m not about to approve any unsupervised hunting or trap shooting for Bubba,” he wrote in the Chicago daily.

“Still, I’m glad he was able to get his FOID card. It makes an adorable addition to his baby book.”

jay: bubba ludwig is the best. baby. name. ever. bubba ludwig has a gun. and a posse. and if i ever form an emo-core band it’s going to be called bubbaludwig.

cates: you need a permit for a gunt nowadays? when a third of the population is considered obese, that’s a lot of paperwork. oh. it said “gun”. my mistake.

AP - LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Arkansas police officers had seen leftover methamphetamine ingredients just like the mess they found in a suspected cook’s trash can last month. What gave them pause this time were the packets of strawberry-flavored children’s drink mix next to the bin.

It was among the officers’ first encounters with “Strawberry Quick,” the latest version of methamphetamine, a drug authorities say manufacturers are constantly remaking to keep their customer base growing.

“[Meth is] a really a bitter substance … so if you’re going to try to make it more consumable for the masses, then you’re going to want to try to take that edge off whichever way you can,” said Chris Harrison, chief illicit laboratory chemist at the Arkansas State Crime Laboratory.

jay: thanks chris, i’ll take it from here. one night someone offered me strawberry quik at a party but try as i might, i just couldn’t get it down my gullet. it was just too sugary-sweet for my palate. but then i thought to myself, “holy shit! what if i cut it with meth?! that might just make it go down easier!” and you know what? yum. that flop-eared bunny was really onto something.

A teenager got an unexpected, terrifying ride down the Mississippi River on a giant slab of ice that broke off as he stood along the shoreline.

Amos Benjamin Cohen, 19, stood frozen with fear as the six foot by 15 foot ice chunk swirled in the water, floating toward shore then drifting back to the middle of the river, witnesses and rescuers said.

A rescue team from the Anoka-Champlin Fire Department sent three firefighters in survival suits into the water. As Cohen approached, one of the firefighters managed to hop up onto the ice with him. The other two pulled them to safety, Fire Chief Charlie Thompson said.

jay: it’s like that polar bear in the al gore movie, only it turns out ok. yay!

MUNDELEIN, Ill. - Golf course workers uncovering the tees for the season discovered a human skull at a suburban Chicago club and found bones nearby in the fairway, authorities said.

“It was laying there, right in the middle of the fairway,” [Lake County Forest Preserve Police Chief John] Galford said.

He said the identity and gender of the person had not been determined, but the skull had some distinguishing marks: a partial set of dentures, two of the teeth are gold, some of the teeth have a star pattern on them, and one of the front teeth has a golden “R” on it.

jay: if i had to guess, i’d say that he was probably a member of the peaceable Golden “R” tribe that roamed golf courses in the chicago suburbs before the settlers came and pushed his people out west to iowa. i mean, if i had to guess.