By ADAM NAGOURNEY

NYTIMES - Iowa, Oct. 3 — Twenty-four minutes after he began speaking in a small restaurant the other day, Fred D. Thompson brought his remarks to a close with a nod of his head and an expression of thanks to Iowans for allowing him to “give my thoughts about some things.”

Then he stood face to face with a silent audience.

“Can I have a round of applause?” Mr. Thompson said, drawing a rustle of clapping and some laughter.

“Well, I had to drag that out of you,” he said.

[…]

Voters who came out to see Mr. Thompson as he traveled through Iowa, even while expressing admiration for his views and intense interest in his candidacy, said they were struck by how little energy or passion he appeared to bring into a room.

“I hope his campaign strategy works for him, but I’m not sure it will,” said Kay Odell, a retired child-abuse worker, who talked to Mr. Thompson as he campaigned at a coffee shop in Iowa Falls. “He comes across as very low-key.”

She added, “I’m sure he’ll make a good president.”

(full article)

rob: man, we’re like whipped dogs now. just about anyone seems like they’d make a good president. when you’re talking about the u.s. presidency, it seems “good” has been redefined as “not outwardly horrific.”

jay: frankly, i’m having a hard time finding a candidate who isn’t outwardly horrific. other than kucinich, i mean. vote vegan.

By CHRIS KAHN

AP - PHOENIX - It sounds like science fiction but it’s true: A killer amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die.

Even though encounters with the microscopic bug are extraordinarily rare, it’s killed six boys and young men this year. The spike in cases has health officials concerned, and they are predicting more cases in the future.

“This is definitely something we need to track,” said Michael Beach, a specialist in recreational waterborne illnesses for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

“This is a heat-loving amoeba. As water temperatures go up, it does better,” Beach said. “In future decades, as temperatures rise, we’d expect to see more cases.”

jay: like i don’t have enough shit to worry about? now i have to add brain-eating amoeba to the list? global warming, if i didn’t hate you before, i fully hate you now!

AP - PORTLAND - Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.

He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.

“You can assume alcohol was involved,” he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a “mixture of stupid stuff.”

It happened at a barbecue with friends.

Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand.

“She said, ‘Get that thing out of my face,”‘ Wilkinson said. “I told her it was a nice snake. ‘Nothing can happen. Watch.”‘

So he stuck the snake in his mouth.

“It got a hold of my tongue,” he said.

He was having breathing problems when his ex-girlfriend drove him to the hospital. “She was the only one sober,” Wilkinson said.

jay: i’m not buying this ’sometimes a snake is just a snake’ malarkey. also, sux that the ap doesn’t mention whether or not she took him back.

By KERY MURAKAMI

Seattle P-I — There’s a story going around South Lake Union, but a spokeswoman for Vulcan, Paul Allen’s development company, says it’s just an urban legend.

That aside, the story that the neighborhood’s streetcar line now under construction was called the South Lake Union Trolley until the powers that be realized the unfortunate acronym — SLUT — seems here to stay.

Officially, it’s now the South Lake Union Streetcar. But the trolley name already has caught on, and in the old Cascade neighborhood in South Lake Union, they’re waiting for the SLUT.

At the Kapow! Coffee house on Harrison Street, they’re selling T-shirts that read “Ride the SLUT.”

“We’re welcoming the SLUT into the neighborhood,” said Jerry Johnson, 29, a part-time barista.

jay: i’m sorry, what? his company is called ‘vulcan’? dork. oh, and the slut thing is funny.

BEIJING (Reuters) - Music, books and Hollywood films… China can now add testimonies of regret by corrupt officials to its exhaustive list of copyright violations.

Zhang Shaocang, former Communist Party chief of state-owned power company Anhui Province Energy Group Co Ltd, wept as he read a four-page “letter of apology” during his corruption trial at a court in Fuyang, Anhui, according to a Procuratorial Daily report reproduced in Wednesday’s Beijing News.

But Zhang’s sentiments were later found to be strikingly similar to those of Zhu Fuzhong, a disgraced former party chief of Tongan village in southwestern Sichuan province, whose apology letter was printed in the Procuratorial Daily less than two weeks before.

“Before working, I never gave much thought to money and regarded achievement as the starting point and end result of my work,” the paper quoted both of the letters as saying.

“I gradually lost my bearings and the scope of my position,” Zhang said at his trial, an exact copy of Fu’s own wording.

Apart from using whole sentences word for word, Zhang also — more craftily — made “slight changes” in other areas.

The Procuratorial Daily, the official paper of China’s top prosecutions office, is distributed as reading material at many “supervision venues,” the paper said, referring to the often secret locations where Communist Party officials are held for questioning.

It was possible that Zhang, while being investigated for charges of bribe-taking, had drawn inspiration from Zhu’s apology in the hope of gaining leniency from the court, the paper said.

“Because of this, Zhang’s apology was dismissed as ’show-boating,’” the paper said.

rob: i’m not sure how “crafty” the subtle word changes were in the context of entire sentences being lifted intact, but still: bonus points for weeping.

WASHINGTON (AP) — Karl Rove, your car is ready.

White House pranksters wrapped Rove’s Jaguar in plastic wrap on the private driveway next to the West Wing. Rove’s car is easily recognizable because of its ”I love Barack Obama” bumper sticker and the twin stuffed-animal eagles on the trunk. Oh, and there’s a stuffed-animal elephant on the hood.

Rove, the top White House political strategist who recently announced his resignation, left his car on the driveway while visiting Texas and traveling with President Bush. He was due back in Washington Wednesday evening.

jay: so someone inside the white house did this? funny. kinda. the ‘i love barack obama’ sticker is a nice touch. though i can’t help feeling like this is a publicity stunt (to distract from the idaho glory-hole dude?). i also can’t help feeling like i’m becoming too cynical for my own good.

dan: how about larry craig, does he have a bone? is that why his stance is so wide?

AP - TOKYO - Lose a game of chess to a computer, and you could bruise your ego. Lose an arm-wrestling match to a Japanese arcade machine, and you could break your arm.

Distributor Atlus Co. said Tuesday it will remove all 150 “Arm Spirit” arm wrestling machines from Japanese arcades after three players broke their arms grappling with the machine’s mechanized appendage.

“The machine isn’t that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it,” said Atlus spokeswoman Ayano Sakiyama, calling the recall “a precaution.”

“We think that maybe some players get overexcited and twist their arms in an unnatural way,” she said. The company was investigating the incidents and checking the machines for any signs of malfunction.

Players of “Arm Spirit” advance through 10 levels, battling a French maid, drunken martial arts master and a Chihuahua before reaching the final showdown with a professional wrestler.

jay: i’m trying to figure out what would be more emasculating than being beaten at an arm-wrestling match by a chihuahua and i’m not coming up with much.

By CARA RUBINSKY
AP - NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Two people who sprinkled flour in a parking lot to mark a trail for their offbeat running club inadvertently caused a bioterrorism scare and now face a felony charge.

The sprinkled powder forced hundreds to evacuate an IKEA furniture store Thursday.

New Haven ophthalmologist Daniel Salchow, 36, and his sister, Dorothee, 31, who is visiting from Hamburg, Germany, were both charged with first-degree breach of peace, a felony.

Police fielded a call just before 5 p.m. that someone was sprinkling powder on the ground. The store was evacuated and remained closed the rest of the night. The incident prompted a massive response from police in New Haven and surrounding towns.

Daniel Salchow biked back to IKEA when he heard there was a problem and told officers the powder was just harmless flour, which he said he and his sister have sprinkled everywhere from New York to California without incident.

“Not in my wildest dreams did I ever anticipate anything like that,” he said.

Mayoral spokeswoman Jessica Mayorga said the city plans to seek restitution from the Salchows, who are due in court Sept. 14.

“You see powder connected by arrows and chalk, you never know,” she said. “It could be a terrorist, it could be something more serious. We’re thankful it wasn’t, but there were a lot of resources that went into figuring that out.”

jay: i think it’s safe to assume that if something doesn’t fit within your small area of knowledge that it’s definitely terrorism. well done, new haven.

EDINBURGH (AFP) - A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or “Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf”, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalisation.

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed AE with a vacuum attached to me,” Blackner said.

“I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.”

jay: sorry, what? i’m a little unclear as to where the embarrassment line is here. is it the context? festival vs hospital? vacuum-on-cock (the next town over from stratford-upon-avon) for money isn’t embarrassing but vacuum-on-cock not for money and in the hospital is embarrassing. money or context? sadly, the demon dwarf changed two variables so it makes it hard to do good science.

Modesto, Calif. (AP) — Authorities are investigating whether a bowling ball-sized chunk of ice that crashed through the roof of a home and struck a 10-year-old boy Monday came from a passing airliner, police said.

Carlos Mendez received a bump on the head and was frightened by the frozen flying object, but otherwise uninjured, said his mother, Corrina Vargas. They and seven people inside the house across the street from Modesto City-County Airport fled when the ice broke through the living room ceiling, she said.

Police and firefighters cordoned off the home and collected the remaining shards of the brown and white ice, which punched a three-foot-wide hole in the roof, said Modesto Police Department spokesman Craig Gunlach.

“There is no indication it was anything but an accident,” he said.

jay: you mean, it wasn’t a sign from god? or a sign from terrorists? or a sign from terrorist god? you seem pretty confident for a small-town police spokesman.

dan: brown and white ice. from an airplane? ew.

jay: yeah man, dude got tooken out by a poopcicle.

KING5.com — VANCOUVER, Wash. – Authorities arrested eight suspects and seized a half pound of suspected methamphetamine and another half pound of heroin today in Vancouver, Wash. as part of “Operation Methopotamia.”

The two-year investigation into drug trafficking is lead by the Drug Enforcement Administration and the United States Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, in cooperation with other law enforcement. Two dozen people have already been charged in state or federal court in connection with the investigation.

jay: you know how i know this? because they came up with the best. drug. pun. ever. methopotamia! haha. what’s next? operation bike methenger? operation methozoic era? operation methage parlor? actually, i think they got the best one. damn you, dea. how dare you out-pun me!

dan: they’ve always done this. couple years ago, they busted a half-dozen junkies in boise in “operation heroin-dianapolis.” before that, it was a bunch of speed freaks in arizona, and they called it “operation crystal ball…and strike!” and i remember in high school, the dea did a big raid on a local head shop they called “the taking of the pel-hash 1-2-3.” i think it’s probably a good way to rally the troops.

dan: also: seven dealers in pittsburgh and a shoebox full of mdma. they called it “operation: the ecstacy and the agony!”

dan: and: one dreadlocked deadhead in the astrodome parking lot. they called it “operation: shrooms with a view…in prison!”

dan: plus: three pot farmers in virginia city, maryland. they called it “operation: don’t hide it, divide it!”

AP - ASHLAND, Ky. - Laughter might be unexpected in a liquor store where a robbery just occurred. But that’s how employees responded to the “Duct Tape Bandit” who hit Shamrock Liquors in Ashland and fled nearly empty handed.

A man who had his head wrapped in duct tape to conceal his identity walked into the store last Friday, police said.

Store manager Bill Steele had some duct tape of his own, but his was wrapped around a wooden club that sent the robber fleeing, according to a report by WSAZ-TV in Huntington, W.Va.

Store employee Craig Miller said he chased the man to the parking lot, tackled him and held him in a choke position until police arrived, the station reported. An unidentified customer also helped, police said.

Kasey G. Kazee, 24, was charged with first-degree robbery. Kazee, in an interview with the TV station, denied he was bandit who robbed the store of two rolls of change.

jay: the picture is so rad. what a fucknut.

dan: he says he didn’t do it. he was tackled outside the store with duct tape around his head, but he says it was some other guy with duct tape around his head. which, i mean: kentucky.

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for more than a mile, leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb.

The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends in the city of Hamamatsu, west of Tokyo, on Monday, when he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road and bumped into the central barrier, the Mainichi Shimbun said.

He felt excruciating pain, but did not notice that his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction, the paper quoted local police as saying.

The man and his leg were taken to a hospital, but the limb had been crushed in the collision, the paper said.

jay: this might just be the toughest man alive. or the drunkest. they didn’t say.

dan: not the toughest man alive, that’s rulon gardner. this is just a scatter-brained old desk-jockey. good thing he had his leg sherpa with him.

AP — VANCOUVER, Wash. — At this rate, Cindy Werner just shouldn’t own a Subaru.

Werner’s 2004 Subaru Outback was crushed on Friday when a 44,000-pound metal silo came tumbling off a tractor-trailer truck, down an embankment and landed on Werner’s car along Southeast 23rd Street in this city just across the Columbia River from Portland.

Werner had been out on a bike ride, and came back to find the damage to her car. She told Portland television station KATU that it was the second Subaru she’d lost in six months. Her other car had been stolen and burned.

jay: the thing you probably don’t know about the pacific northwest is that the probability of something falling off a truck and crushing a subaru outback is lower than something falling off a truck and not crushing one.

AP — CHICAGO — A parking ticket topped the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile after it was left parked illegally on a downtown Chicago thoroughfare.

The 27-foot fiberglass sausage was ticketed Thursday morning after its driver parked it on Michigan Avenue and left it on the side of the six-lane road with the hazard lights blinking.

A police officer ticketed the vehicle and radioed for a tow truck, but the car’s driver and passenger returned before the truck arrived.

“The situation was resolved without the use of ketchup, which in Chicago is a big thing,” said Matt Smith of the city’s Streets and Sanitation Department.

Smith said a city tow truck could have done the job, if necessary.

“We have access to tow trucks that could have handled a Polish sausage, not just a hot dog,” Smith said.

jay: the yuks just keep on coming at the sanitation department, huh? god. this story ruined my morning, so i figured i’d pass it along.